“My Life as a Half Bottle of Shiraz” – musings from Dr. Linda Peach Chapter 1

A friend has written the following story with the kind of sardonic wit I really enjoy…

The first instalment in the riveting new reality series, “My Life as a Half Bottle of Shiraz”, a fascinating autobiographical account of…. well …. something anyway.

Chapter 1. It’s cold and dark in here, and every so often there is a prolonged humming noise and it gets even colder for a while. Very occasionally there is a blinding flash of light and sometimes it lasts long enough for me to see. I appear to be in a cupboard inside another cupboard. The inside cupboard is the cold place, and this is where I am. There is something at my back, but I can’t see it on account of not having eyes in the back of my head. Clearly I didn’t inherit that particular gene from my mother, because she was always telling me that she had eyes in the back of her head. But I digress. The cold inside cupboard has other things in it, and I hear their chatter all day long. It gets on my nerves because they are coarse and ill educated occupants of this cold cupboard. Except for the halfjar of gourmet fetta cheese, whose conversation is at least erudite. Sadly, she is very old and tells me that mould and diseases are taking over her home. Some day soon, she will cease speaking altogether. And then I will have no-one to talk to, until the creature in the outside cupboard brings some new inmates for the cold cupboard. But, I have been very rude and have not properly introduced myself. My name is Shiraz McWilliam, and this is the tale of how I came to be in the cold cupboard. To be continued…..