Even a small mouse has anger
– Native American Indian Proverb
On a family law practice window:
“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together”
~ Marilyn Monroe
I find there to be profound wisdom in proverbs, sayings and quotes and I marvel at the way they are so succinct in communicating messages to the reader.
Mostly anonymous, they come to us from past generations and from across cultures. They speak of the experiences of lives lived and lessons learned.
Quotes, like proverbs, make us think more deeply about something.
Lastly, this week, this enigmatic quote:
“Anger punishes itself.”
When we get irritated with others, it seems easy to sub-consciously blame them for our unhappiness. We think that we’re not happy and it must be their fault. Or perhaps we get to be martyrs thinking – we are okay and they (obviously), are not.
Have we considered that everyone has different temperaments and different priorities, because everyone IS different?
Some people shout and scream, whilst others show little emotion,
some never open up,
some are notoriously late,
some never get excited about anything,
others won’t spend a cent without much thought whilst another is a spendthrift.
The challenge is to respect others enough to allow them to experience life as they choose. We can still enjoy their uniqueness, however different their values might be from our own.
If they are so very different from us, it is a great opportunity to learn something and to appreciate others for who they are. We touched on this in last week’s post, particularly, in the comments section.
Setting aside one’s prejudices is not easy, but to do so can enrich one’s life! Try it for one day/one week/one month!
How do you handle people who “get your back up,” or who are so different from yourself?
What do you think of Marilyn’s words? Do they speak about modern life?
Join in the discussion by leaving a comment.
Everyone’s opinion is important. What is yours?
Every Friday, I post a Proverb or Saying and a Quote that I find thought-provoking. I hope you will too.
Proverbial Friday –
Something challenging to Ponder About
Something to Ponder About 
Wow!!! The one about anger is quite a call for self reflection! Thank you for sharing!
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In what way, Mamma Squirrel?
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anger in itself is an emotion God has given us. But not one to hold on to. When we do, that is when we end up punishing ourselves. What someone does to make me angry is one thing. But if I hold on to that, I become the one who’s angry at the world, irritated with every little thing that isn’t right. I allow it to steal my happiness. I become angry toward others unfairly.
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Hmm. You are right that anger steals your happiness, Mammasquirrel.
I often hear and have been known to say, someone or other makes me angry but it is yourself who is choosing to be angered. No one can physically make your brain register anger. It is your thinking that does that.
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Very true
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Some great quotes, Amanda. I don’t get angry at others, I mostly turn my anger at life on myself. And it always turns on me. I very much agree with Marilyn Monroe. She may have played the dumb blond but she knew more than most realized. Sometimes things are just too broken to bother trying to salvage so you just move on and make a better life. It’s something I have some experience with.
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Marilyn had some very wise advice for us, indeed, Marlene. I think she was terribly misunderstood in her life. As for her words, a fresh start is better than patch fixes or attempts to fix things gone awry. It is essential to recognize the need to walk away at times; you have to turn your back on the shadows! Sometimes it is for self preservation, sometimes it is for the betterment of one other or all. But I don’t understand why you have to turn the angry on yourself? Is that working or is it wearing and damaging to yourself? It doesn’t sound so good for you.
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It isn’t good for me so I’ve finally learned to speak up for myself. After years of not being allowed to speak out, I didn’t learn to express myself at all much less in a healthy way. If something upset me, I kept it to myself. Never, ever a good idea. I’ve done a LOT of work on that and now find ways to say what is necessary in healthy ways so I don’t have to get angry. Just never been good at confrontation so I’ve had to practice how to do that. Being angry only stops the conversation. You really have to be open to hearing the other side and expressing yourself clearly. Life has been a long lesson. 😉
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I grew up in a household where kids should be ‘seen and not heard’ – not exactly conductive to combating my shy nature. So I kept quiet or occasionally burst out in anger, when the threshold of tolerance was just too much. Not healthy! Much better to speak out and assert one’s wishes early in the peace. Expressing oneself clearly is a skill that would save all of us much heartache and problems. I think unless we are a gifted communicator, everyone could all work on our communication skills and I still have a long way to go with that. But then also if we eliminate some of our problems, we eliminate some of our learning opportunities! So I think for me I must communicate better and accept that any problems that do arise from my deficits in communicating I will have to see as learning opportunities.
Understanding that anger stops the conversation is a disincentive to frustration which is self-reinforcing once you get the hang of it, I think. Being open is the one size fits all solution that seems to come up in many of the proverbial Friday discussions! What was it that helped you understand communication and speaking up was better. Was it daring to step out of your comfort zone ? Or something else?
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I had the first of 4 nervous breakdown at 13 and went to live with my grandparents. They loved me through it but there were other lessons there. I have spent a good number of years in therapy brought by my daughter who was the facilitator in the family for my getting there. I suffered silently and my daughter became my voice by acting out. I’ve done a lot of inside work since and a great deal of spiritual searching to understand the lessons. Nothing comes easy and it’s all a lesson. Most people couldn’t understand how I could speak to my parents much less love and care for them to their end. It’s called forgiveness and it’s served me well. I just no longer let others treat me badly and have no resentments to carry around. It’s made me so much stronger and resilient. I spoke up with the second husband, I just couldn’t make him hear me. That’s where Marilyn comes in. 😉
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Good old Marilyn. She would have some inkling of some of the feelings you must have had. How difficult life must have been for you at such a young age. I am so sorry to hear that. But, wow, how you have turned things around in your life, again and again and still found the strength to forgive. That surely is resilience!! You have so much wisdom no doubt gathered by years of dedication to working through these matters in your head! To forgive your parents is a mammoth step, and shows that you have done a lot of deep thinking about the relationship. If we are lucky we might have a realization that there will always be crappy people, who do crappy things, but sometimes people just don’t know any better AT THAT moment. Even so, to forgive them for their failures is not easy. Does forgiveness enable you to lighten your burden somewhat? So many would have crumpled along the wayside if they had to endure what you have been through. But survive and flourish you did. That could not have been easy. I do admire you! It is inspiring to me and puts into perspective those times when we feel stressed or complain about trivialities. Today, I was chatting to someone who had been to an elderly friend’s funeral. The lady was over 90, when she passed away, and had lived in Europe under the Nazi occupation, of WWII. In the eulogy, they recounted this woman’s story of the most precious gift she had ever received in her long life.
During the long years of occupation, deprivation of basic goods was widespread, as we can all imagine. The lady was just six years old when a German soldier passed through her town and a bar of soap fell out of his pocket. Her mother picked it up. The little girl had never seen anything more beautiful as that bar of soap, a decadent luxury at the time. As it was the girl’s sixth birthday, that day, her mother said, yes, she could keep it and the girl thought it was the best gift she had ever received. Trivial complaints pale into insignificance, in the face of that story. I also get a reality check, when I read of your experience.
Thank you for the having the courage and wisdom to share,Marlene. It is very much appreciated.
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This part of your comment says it all, Amanda. “sometimes people just don’t know any better.” My mother also suffered at the hands of Nazi occupation in Germany along with her sisters and parents. I think that’s why she latched on to the first American soldier she could attract. I think they were both wounded souls who didn’t have a clue and I think I realized that somewhere very quickly but it didn’t make life any easier. I always had a harder time watching the abuse heaped on the younger siblings than anything they did to me. That’s what sent me over the edge. But the parents just didn’t know better and had no support system in place for themselves. Their lives were so much harder than my own so how could I not forgive? I see it all around these days. No one has close family or friends to guide them through. There are no life lessons about how to make good choices from elders with wisdom. We need that more than we know. Our nomadic lifestyle leaves us mostly floundering without anchors. You are right, when you look around, the perspective does adjust our attitude. 🙂 Have a wonderfilled week.
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It must have been really hard to watch what your sisters went through. But they did had you and no doubt that would have been so important for them. You were on their side when life got difficult. You had each other. I would have liked a supportive sibling, but the family my husband and I created, is my all and all I need now. Friends are good to have but everyone had limits to friendship and expectations. Without family/friend’s support, one could become completely broken. Forgiveness is incredibly healing and I am thankful you found a way through the difficult times.
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I was brought up in a household very like yours. There was only one opinion, my father’s. Therefore my four brothers and I never learned the value of communication. Luckily I am an extremely easy going person and very rarely get angry, but my family have to watch out if or whenever I am. I only have one brother left, we are both professionals yet find it hard to speak our minds, even with our children. I envy all those who can say what is on their minds, yet believe some people can go too far and become very hurtful. It is a balance, isn’t it
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When one of us gets to be Minister of Education, we can bring in a lot of changes.
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The way the cabinet is changing these days that suggesting is not completely ridiculous!!!
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Amazing how so many people let themselves get eaten up by anger. Oh, and the damage it does. Domestic violence comes to mind. Maybe anger management should be in school curriculums.
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I think that would be a great initiative, Peggy. Something that would be a life skill. Legal and citizenship education could also be included in place of some things of lesser importance.
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The first quote: Anger is a negative emotion, and I guess each of us has that side within us that if it gets unleash, could be all hell breaks loose. For some especially those who are patient, it might take a lot to provoke them to get upset. The quote also reminds me of the phrase ‘Never judge a book by it’s cover’. Someone might seem level-headed or pretty patient, but underneath that demeanor they could be hiding their true feelings – in reality they might actually be angry or anxious or worrying a lot.
The Marilyn Monroe quote is a classic. Life is a strange thing. We won’t get what we want all the time even if we work hard for it. The quote seems to touch upon destiny: that some things are meant to be and other things not meant to be. Life is out of control even for the most organised, planned and prepared amongst us. There is just really no guessing how somethings will turn out, who we will meet and what exactly will happen one year from now.
The thought of anger punishes itself speaks to me of self-implosion. If it’s anger that we let get to ourselves, it could lead to the scenario where not many want to be associated with us and we may lose sight of why we were angry in the first place. Agree that setting aside one’s prejudices isn’t easy but it is something that can be slowly learnt.
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@Mabel. I think it is great that you have observed that there are often underlying feelings to anger.(ie. the mouse in the first quote). We are not always able to accurately determine another’s true feelings. What comes out as anger might well be intense anxiety which the person is struggling to deal with. Mind you, it is very hard to be verbally abused and still feel compassion for that person in that moment, particularly when if it involves humiliating comments.
This is why it is vitally important to be honest in our communication with others. If one is feeling anxious, it is better to say so. Many of us fear if they show weakness or vulnerability, particularly in the workplace, it might diminish them in the eyes of another person. However, in some ways, it shows strength (and honesty). A stronger self-concept will cope with showing that one is not all that perfect, and cope with the consequences of admitting they are struggling with something. Then if their anxiety boils over into anger, it is put into a context where the other may be more empathic or sympathetic, in response. The relationship may be saved!
Anger punishes itself alludes to the consequences for not dealing with a conflict in a civil way and hiding anxious feelings or concerns. Concerns that could fester and explode. The result is never good for either party. Who ever felt better after yelling at someone, or being yelled at? It is often said that angry people feel they are NOT being listened to, and that may be so, but can they also help themselves by communicating better/more assertively/more honestly/ more openly? One does not want to become a person who talks each and every day about their internal feelings but nip in the bud, things that one could recognize might fester. Nip them in the bud, talk them out with your colleague or let them go. This could also be something that might improve with practice.
Marilyn’s comment is indeed wise and to some extent, I think, fatalistic, as you alluded. It also cautions us not to hang on to broken matters, or relationships for too long, because one never knows what sort of future lays ahead. The future may be worse, or it may be better. I feel sure that Marilyn’s comment may help those struggling to accept the demise of a relationship, move forward, or look forward to the possibility of a rosier future.
Great discussion, as always, Mabel. The first proverb is perhaps another inclusion for our book???
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As the saying goes, honesty is the best policy. Better to be honest and tell a lie and lose someone’s trust in a matter of moments. Speaking the truth is hard and it might not make you friends, and it might even make you lose some. I really do think there’s a better time to say sometimes and a time to perhaps put off what you want to say – your words can have a different impact at a different time.
I think you are right when you say no good comes from yelling at others and angry people feel like they are not being listened to. It’s these instances where everyone might feel they are right or at the very least entitled they are right, or they are in some kind of fight. More so I think each party wants to be right and doesn’t want to admit there could be another perspective.
It would be great if we could include this set of proverbs in our book. There is quite a bit of discussion going on here. Very insightful.
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On honesty – it is self evident that it is better to always be truthful, however, you raise an important point that sometimes telling the truth results in losing one ‘s friends and so, we sometimes have to bend the truth a little – this can’t really be called deceit, can it? As we are doing so for reasons of tract and discretion, or at least to postpone the truth til a better time. Telling the truth, at a different time and space, is still a truth….. I will ponder about that for a while…. Thanks for making me think, Mabel.
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Ahhh !! Read at right moment . Yes me and my husband can never come in same terms, we r so different!!! Like we never compromise, he assumes himself to be right always😃 Its the trait he acquired bcz his parents have put it in his hands, coz ofcourse he is a great son who never miss a month without sending them good money & a day without calling them !
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It is difficult when our values don’t align. But we are all entitled to our own free opinion and thoughts no matter what. You can call your husband out on that in an assertive ( rather than aggressive) way. How is it really possible that he is correct every time?????
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