“Do you think Frank needs a job?”
“No wonder Lucy doesn’t present well, her clothes are so old-fashioned.”
“You should take more care with your car.“
How often do we hear judgemental comments about others, analysing what folks should or shouldn’t do? These comments or suggestions are often negative and critical in nature.
Making a judgement about someone else effectively puts up a barrier between them and us. So if we stop, or at least aim to reduce, judging and analyzing commentary towards others, we might find communication improves, and we might begin to feel closer.
If we minimize judging and analyzing, the spin off can also be a greater peace of mind for us.
When we complain about other folks, we are actually sabotaging our own peace of mind. This is because we allow ourselves to be disturbed that things are not as they “should be.”
The Taoists say,
“It is possible to appreciate people for their uniqueness – like you might enjoy a certain song. You don’t have to analyse and pull it apart.”
In being more open, flexible and accepting, you let others be the master of their own lives.
PEACE OF MIND CAN COME MORE FROM A CHANGE OF ATTITUDE, THAN A CHANGE IN CIRCUMSTANCES.
Making Mistakes
We learn so much from our mistakes, don’t we?
Therefore, it is sensible to let others make mistakes and not rob them of that learning experience opportunity that might be so valuable to them.
We are also taught, via our education system, to analyse and have an opinion. But it is perfectly okay to have no opinion at all.
Question: –“Do you think Frank should get a job?”
Answer: – “I think Frank should do what he wants.”
Judgement Challenge
This week I will set a challenge for myself and for anyone who cares to join in to:
Spend a week not judging anything or anybody.
When I meet someone who talks about others, complains a lot or doesn’t work, under my breath, I will say something along the lines of:
“I give you the space to experience life as you choose.
It’s not for me to judge you.”
Let’s see if life is a lot easier that way.
Will you join me in trying this?
It doesn’t mean you have to like everybody.
Being less judgemental means you can maintain your own particular preferences in life, but remain more calm in your attitude.
If you are around a complainer, you might choose not to be in their company, but this is coming from a position where it does not feel right for you, rather than open condemnation of their differences.
If you spend your whole life being irritated by others, it is obvious that there is going to be a lot of people who don’t see things your way.
You can wait for people to start thinking like you or you can grant them the right to live their lives the best way they know how.
YOU GRANT THEM THE RIGHT TO LIVE THEIR LIVES THE BEST WAY THEY KNOW HOW.
Unknown
Evaluation
Let’s check back in a week to see how we are doing with this.
StPA
Something to Ponder About 
I am so onboard with this idea. I work to be non-judgmental because I’ve been on the receiving end of such judgements way too often in my life. Live and let live, says I.
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I am really happy to hear that you are keen on this idea, Ally. But not so happy to hear that you have been on the receiving end of what sounds like criticism. I hope modelling this mode of communication for others, might in turn, also influence their communication, for the betterment of all. Is that a bit unrealistic?
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I like your idealism. You never know what might influence another person.
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You have already nailed me. It didn’t take long. Lol.
https://forestwoodfolkart.wordpress.com/2019/08/18/oh-gosh-i-am-still-an-idealist/
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I am going to be doing this to the best of my abilities. I need to and this post could not have come at a more exact time. I have been so disturbed by a certain someone who, I know and so does everyone else, believes in and lives by ‘fabricated’ truth. And that is a polite way of saying that that person lies at all times. And as that person is a very close relative it is very difficult for me to call them out on their lies. And it is taxing. So, I have been struggling with their lies for some time and ‘judging’ is following as a result…mostly along the lines of ‘why are they lying’? I have let that occupy a lot of my mental space and my energy is going towards fighting all the negativity that is arising from that…it is exhausting! And so, I have just made peace with the fact (literally a few hours ago) that I will let that person be and not involve myself anymore with their lies and the whys of those. I have loved that person dearly and maybe taht’s why it bothers me so much but at the end it is my mental peace (that affects my kids and husband as well) that I am compromising and it is so not worth it!
In general I try not to judge others (you had a similar post, I think under Sunday Sayings sometime back)…as @Ally Bean says- live and let live!
lovely reading this, Amanda:)
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I am sorry to hear you are feeling burdened with the way your relative is acting. What a dilemma, Moon. To call them out or stay silent? Formerly, I would question this person’s motives for lying and wonder what lays behind it. However, this is a week for not jusging or questioning so now I can see this person a little differently. This behaviour is their own concern and might be meeting some kind of need, they feel they have. What do I know of their needs? Nothing! So how can I make any evaluations? Acceptance of their right to exhibit and choose their own behaviour separates me from evaluating it. Sometimes the biggest change comes from changing oneself! I do hope this is some comfort to you.
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I think I could pull this off if I weren’t surrounded by so many judge and jury types. I gotta learn to let things slide off me like Teflon but unfortunately, some of it still sticks to me.
And being in a group of actual people who are more interested in their phone than my company…Not sure that is one I will ever accept gracefully. It just seems rude and antisocial to me.
I can TRY to do better, though.
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Sometimes things do stick. When a judgement or criticism sticks, it helps to use the stream analogy when that happens. Do you know that one? Whereby you imagine the stream in front of you with various twigs or branches flowing down with the current. Each twig or branch or flower if you like, is a thought that comes and goes. You watch it from a distance, as a silent observer, more or less. The thoughts come and go in your head, but you have space between you and the thought as you are observing it more than feeling it within. Occasionally, one of those twigs might get stuck on the edge of a rock on the riverbank, and sticks for a while in front of you, so that is when you can imagine the current washing it away until finally it is out of sight, and eagerly looking for the next twig or thought to come by. I don’t know if that will help you with those persistent thoughts?
So, if you are in a very judgemental environment, you can protect yourself from feeling the sting of criticism? Modelling this behaviour to others, might even change the way they act, over time?
I have known people who deal with phone addicted friends to ask them if they can have 5 minutes of phone embargo- phones are silent or switched off – or everyone doesn’t answer or look at the phone for 5 minutes, and then once you get them talking, it might extend somewhat. Do you reckon they might agree to 5 minutes, Morgueticia?
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Unlikely. Some people are immovable objects and I just gotta stop taking it all so personally.
I’ve been practicing the ‘mental shrug’ where whatever thoughts or insults come out you just say, You are a purple elephant. Obviously I am not but so what if I were one? Shrug. Nothing peronal.
I am trying it, not perfected it yet, though.
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A mental shrug? I like that. It defuses the situation and neither denies or applauds their opinion. It might also protect from feeling hurt or disturbed when insults are flung around? The other party still feel respected in that they are can live the life they chose an there is no antagonism or counterargument, as you are refusing to engage on that topic. If the complaints and criticism become too much, and boil over into harassment or bullying, is there a step up from the mental shrug that you use? Such as removing yourself from the situation?
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Well, that was just in last week’s Psych Central newsletter, I took from it what resonated. Simply disengaging and walk away might be in this week’s newsletter 😉
I am a work in progress but at least I am still learning no matter how old I get.
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That is the wonderful thing about mistakes, they are an oppotunity for learning. And when we stop learning, well, I hope I never do. Learning keeps our brains alive.
And I think it is great that you are finding the snippets of information that work or have meaning for you. Advice is something that you can be sifted through for your own particular situation. Pick the best cherries. Not all of them taste sweet!
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While it is true that some people get gratification out of trying to unhinge others, it is equally true that my reaction to that can make a difference. Generally I avoid those that do it, and I have learnt through experience that giving oxygen by trying to defend yourself generally only goads them on, so… I now don’t give oxygen that they so badly crave. I don’t react and avoid arguments. It is not easy!
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That is a good point Gerard, in that some people might antagonize others in order to seize an opportunity to force their opinion on others, as the right and only worthwhile opinion. We see this in political discussions all the time, or if someone have very strong convictions about a certain matter that they think violates their beliefs. There is another proverb that reads: If takes two to argue, if one won’t – both can’t. But it is not easy, as angry folk often feel that they haven’t been listened to and ignoring them might incite them more. So our reaction does govern the end result and in that, we do have a choice to let them experience things as they choose.
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As you can tell, I’ve been hard pressed to keep up on blogs lately but doing my best. This is always a good idea. Judging is so natural to us that most often people are not aware they are doing it. I’ve often felt judged so in turn I work harder not to do that. Paying attention to your words and thoughts is always a good thing to do. I’ll be doing it too. Loved the little sayings in your pictures.
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You are doing very well, Marlene. There are many good blogs that I do not have time to catch up on. I wish I did, even with an organized schedule, there is so much that needs to be read! On being judgemental, it comes as no surprise that you are policing judgemental thoughts. Paying attention to your words is a habit that needs practice each day.
Some clever person came up with that meme about the phone conversations, unfortunately, not me. I am lucky enough to be born pre-mobile phones so most of my friends don’t do this as a rule, however, some do check to see what the subject/who the sender is, at least and I would never want to stop them doing that, but I do find it disruptive to the flow of conversation. This week, will be an exception – they can live and experience life checking phones as they see fit. I won’t be disturbed that things are not as they “should be.” I already feel lighter for thinking this.
Is this a good strategy long term?
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Yes! The should’s do us no great service. At a sewing group last month, a retired teacher of the group loudly admonished the teenage granddaughter of our hostess for not wearing a bra. She had just come downstairs to say hello to us and hug her grandmother who raised her and was still in sleepwear. It shocked me too much to say anything about the fact it was her home and she could dress as the family rules saw fit. I did mention it to her grandmother this week when I visited. We have so many shoulds that life stops being kind. It’s none of our business how someone else dresses in their own home and for that fact, anywhere else. We were made to be unique. I was ready to tell the loudmouth that I never wear a bra at home and for that matter not many places. I love big shirts so no one knows. Even my son agrees, it’s no ones business. Mind your own mind. 😉
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It’s easier to put others down than to lift ourselves up.
You are right in saying that judging does not make us feel well. And I’d say that only when we feel well (with what we have, who we are, how we are perceived, ..) we can stop judging. Thank you for this post.
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You make me think more deeply on this matter, Fabrizio. Thank you for that. If someone isn’t well, mentally or physically, the situation may be quite different and there might even be a place for self- judgement, or analysis, in there. It is mighty difficult to change one’s attitude, neigh even to think straight when our bodies are struggling in any shape or form. Thanks for pointing that out.
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I like this.. I used something similar when I used to train a program about working together. There is someone that you may not like so when you see that person find something they are wearing that you do like. Nice colour, dress, bangle, shoes anything and make a positive comment on that to the person and do it every day acknowledge and walk away.. After a few days barriers begin to drop.. 😉
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Interesting that this change of attitude had an affect on the barriers. On both people or just one?
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Both normally.. The other still smirks for a couple of days so hard to get passed the agro but eventually they realise it is genuine and soften.. They don’t become best friends necessarily but can create mutual respect..
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I hadn’t thought about a colleague that was clear didn’t like me for some reason, years back. I think I can even remember deliberately making a genuine comment about this person’s outfit that stemmed from me realising that I had to change the dynamic between me and this person and rather than ignoring her, paid her a few compliments and was cherry around her when we crossed paths. It did work after a week or so. Human behaviour and perhaps also the capacity for forgiveness is a wondrous thing.
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An interesting and timely post. Judgementalsim (is there such a word? The spellchecker doesn’t think so) is something I’ve been working on. It’s easier I find with people that I know – even superficially – as everyone has some redeeming features. It’s easier to ignore the irritations when you know they’re balanced out by more redeeming features. Where I struggle is with public figures whose politics or world view is very different from my own. And that’s not an easy one.
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You are correct in saying that everyone has some redeeming features. Apparently even psychopaths can be sentimental about animals! So ordinary folk must have loads more redeeming features that could outweigh the bad. I wonder if the issue with politics being a super sensitive subject, is the power the positions carry, and the potential damage, or benefit, that one person can have on potentially millions of people. This is quite a different matter to only being responsible for yourself or your family. Given the possibilities, it is a wonder we haven’t ended up with more disruptive leaders, over the years.
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As the daughter of the mom who likes to begin sentences with “You know what you should do?” I renounce it. I wonder how it starts in the first place. But okay, at least she is my mom. Why would anyone say about a complete stranger or acquaintance or even friend, behind their backs, what they should do?? I really hate that.
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In saying what others ‘should’ do – I think they have the best intentions for that other person, Manja. They want to make things right and go smoothly for that person. The trouble is life is never go to go perfectly for all. Add to this, only have a smidgeon of information from the other person’s story to go on. Misinterpretation and guesses are rife. How can they ever hope to fully understand and think in a similar way and from a similar perspective as the other person – as we are all so individually different to each other. One strategy may have worked for them, but it sure isn’t going to work for EVERYONE else.
Yet, I do wonder if they are sharing what they think might be a potential solution and thus, shoulds are viewed by me as (hopefully constructive), suggestions, but not orders.
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