Mental Health, Motivational, Philosophy

Whose Fault is it, Anyway?

“When you blame others,

you give up your power to change.”

Robert Anthony

Blame and finding fault teaches us to avoid facing up to some truth about ourselves.

It encourages us to search for what is wrong and who we think was responsible because of an underlying often unconscious belief, we carry, that infers if we are always right, we will be happy. If we could control other people and their actions, then that might be possible.

We all know that controlling others is, pretty much, impossible.

When controlling others fails, as it inevitably does, our innate Plan B might be to use guilt, fear, domination or manipulation; even conditional love and criticism to get what we think we want, or feel that we need.

If there is no value in holding on to guilt, why do we do so? Why is it so hard to let things go?

Forgiveness is the key.

Forgive yourself as well as others, for your own sake.

Tolstoy suggested a bad mood might be the reason we blame others. How often do we hear:

“If only they/it would/didn’t/can ………”

Yet blaming others is not likely to lead to feelings of serenity. Instead it may create more negative feelings and paint your own self as a victim, as the following quote alludes.

“Some people love being victims because they love being able to blame someone else. Accountability is too much for them. They don’t like being responsible for who they have become or where they are in life.” Anonymous

Therein, blaming may be linked to feelings of remorse, or regret, about where one is in life’s journey.

The only thing we might ever really change is our own attitude.


41 thoughts on “Whose Fault is it, Anyway?”

  1. Once I was young and fit, and I played a lot of tennis. As I thundered around the court, if I hit the ball too long and saw instantly that it would go out, I used to shout “HIT IT !” – and they did. [grin]

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Not sure I agree ‘We all know that controlling others is impossible.’ We – people in general – keep trying despite all the evidence. A very human characteristic I think.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Correct Graham. We are slow learners and as North Korea shows us control in some ways, at least, is possible.
      Have you any idea why we keep trying to do so? Do we crave predictability so much ?

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Not sure its predictability. I think most control issues are about filling personal needs. In relationships people think my partner will change this, that and the other and then be perfect. But then the partner turns out to be what they were all the time, which is not perfect. It’s what happens then, whether we adjust expectations, which determines what happens to the relationship.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Not a bad angle to have Carol? (I hope I have your name correct?) When folks tell us their problems, it is easy to become embroiled in their dramas. When problems in our life arise, our focus is looking for external reasons. Whilst focusing internally can not be taken to extremes, as it seems to lead to skewed thoughts, when you are looking to find fault, it is often useful to check yourself first before pointing any fingers. It is so easy to blame others for one’s misfortune as we avoid responsibility and hard work or hard yards to correct the issue. And yet, if we can change something ourselves, it may have untold benefits for others – like the small ripples that travel outward in the water.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “Forgive yourself as well as others, for your own sake” is something I see so many people, especially women, struggle with. I love that you included that line in your post. Great post-many things to ponder.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for commenting on that Andi! I love that you highlighted the most important part of forgiveness. For if you refuse to forgive yourself, how can you totally forgive others? Women, especially hold onto extra responsibilities – even in this supposed age of equality. They are more accountable for children world-wide, so shoulder more of the blame when things go awry with children welfare. Forgiving oneself is not so easy, but it is important. All of us make mistakes in life, it is how we interpret them that means the difference in coping. I loved reading about your work in Malawi. Do you travel their often?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I really love your words here. Would you mind if i share your thought with a group of women I lead? Of course I would absolutely give you all of the credit. There are many powerful thoughts and ideas here and so well written. Thanks for reading my stories. Malawi work is my passion. It is my core sense of purpose in my life. I long desperately to do more. It is much more difficult to get things done while the world is shut down. Before COVID I was going a few times each year. I am doing my best in this situation but planning big things as soon as Americans are able to travel…thanks, Andi.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I would be honoured for you to share my words, Andi. I am humbled that they mean so much to you. I hope the women are able to use them for betterment of their own personal journey.
          It must be difficult for you to conduct your work during Covid. Do you have some people on the ground in Malawi who could liaise for you?

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I have a couple of people who lead the work for me in Malawi. Luckily I have built strong relationships over the years with people, I never thought there would be a time when I wouldn’t be able to travel. They have been instrumental in continuing the work.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. That is good to hear. No one thought travel would be off the cards so completely. There wasn’t time to plan contingencies for weedings, funerals work or leisure travel.


  4. Wonderful post, Amanda. Growing ourselves up in all aspects sometimes means facing some harsh truths about our own lives and at times, the people in it. I guess blaming is a way to avoid facing those truths and taking full responsibility over one´s own life, as you state here so beautifully. Forgiveness and self-forgiveness are big ones! I guess its important to know that when we forgive, it´s always for our own sake and that that does not mean we won´t draw clear boundaries when and with whom it´s necessary. Boundaries are such an important thing!! Have a great week:)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Boundaries ARE important, if not essential, Maria. Without boundaries, we are like a tap that runs out! We are no good to anyone if we allow ourselves to burn out. Is intent important in keeping boundaries?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are absolutely right, Amanda. I just learned that in my late 20s or so… I would say that yes, intent is important in keeping boundaries, and having been burnt a few times helps as well I think- once burnt, twice shy!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Being burnt can be a good teaching tool for us,in setting boundaries. We them may remember the lesson well and ensure that we take steps to remedy it, learn and grow. My early twenties and late teens were a very painful time fir me, but I really did learn and growth from that experience. If I didn’t, it would have swallowed me up. As hard as it is, we should always look for the silver lining in negative life experiences.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Yes, I agree with you, Amanda. I believe we are here to learn from all experiences and to grow in empathy, compassion, love and similar qualities through them… sometimes really painful experiences are what foster the most heart expansion in us, I guess. Have a beautiful weekend!

            Liked by 1 person

            1. It is worth pondering that we have this innate determination to survive and that can be reflected in nasty attitudes or words. It is the human race’s journey to become more empathic and gentle. To rise above evolution for the sake of everyone, not just ourselves.

              Liked by 1 person

            2. Interesting, yes, good point about the negative attitudes and words! Exactly, it´s time to honor the interconnectedness of everyone and everything… the impacts of our actions…Blessings!

              Liked by 1 person

            3. The exact depth of Interconnectedness is something that has been lost on some folks. There is no other planet, just ours. We are floating around on this big ball in space, together! Collaboration should be our daily mantra.

              Liked by 1 person

  5. How apropos. In the current situation, apportioning blame is such a useless exercise. It achieves nothing and only makes matters worse. I tend to follow the instruction along the lines of ‘we can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond to it”. I wish a few more folk would learn from that. We might do better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Agreed Mosy. Apportioning blame rarely, if ever helps. We can absolutely govern how we respond to situations and events. Knowing and being reminded of that, is a comfort to me. Thanks for the reminder.

      Liked by 1 person

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