Community, Mental Health, Motivational, Philosophy

Sunday Sayings – Hurtful words

This week in Australia, there has been many hurtful words slung in the fight for supplies in supermarkets – primarily panic buying on toilet paper. The premise is flawed as we have enough supplies and manufacture it here. But still, folks panic buy a trolley load! Brawls have erupted in the toilet paper isles of the major supermarkets! Hurtful words have been said.

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Feeling Irritated

A few weeks ago I was discussing what happens when we feel irritated by someone else’s words.

I asked:

What do we gain by feeling irritated? Is there any kind of benefit in this?

  • We get to feel like a martyr – meaning I AM still okay so you are NOT
  • We get to blame others for our feelings
  • We get to feel unhappy and it’s someone else’s fault

Ultimately, all of us need to take responsibility for our own feelings and aim to be more accepting of other people, their temperaments and priorities.

But what about the other side of irritation? The fall out from those spiteful words said in a moment of anger that are often regretted? It is not always easy to repair the damaged relationship, nor unsay what has already been said.

Hurtful words are often said when we do not have, or cannot find, the words to clearly express our needs, clearly or succinctly. It seems like frustration and pain often lie behind the words that are spoken.

Te Mata Peak New Zealand

Weekly Quotes

“Let your hopes, not your hurts shape your future” – Robert Schuller

The Hidden Meaning Behind Hurtful Words

from pamfullerton.com

“In making hurtful comments, we are usually trying to communicate strong, unresolved feelings. However, this seems to work against us as it causes pain in ourselves and others.”

And if we don’t transform pain, we might transmit it.

Thinking about what it is that we really want to communicate when we say hurtful words to, someone we know, is useful.

Some examples:

Angry statement: “You never spend time with me anymore – you don’t care about anyone but yourself!”

The real meaning: “I miss you and sometimes I feel unloved & lonely when we don’t spend time together”

Said with frustration: “Calm down”

The real meaning: “I’m at a loss, I feel inadequate because I have no idea how to help you”

Said with hurt: “I’m done – I want out”

The real meaning: “I don’t want to be hurt anymore and I’m at a loss as to how to make things better between us”

Said in exasperation: “Get over it and just deal with it”

The real meaning: I can’t help anymore, as I am out of useful suggestions.

Expressing our true feelings can makes us feel vulnerable, and if the other person fails to respond to our admissions, with empathy, or begins to accuse or blame, the hurt will be felt even more acutely.

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“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.” Source – unknown

Do you ever get the silent treatment in times of conflict? Phone calls that are blocked or remain unanswered?

Could this communication breakdown be a method of coping with the situation or possibly freezing you out so that reconciliation is impossible and the other party will be seen to be right? Are they finding it impossible to find any words to convey their true emotions?

Hurtful words damage the trust we feel in any relationship.

Quotes and proverbs provide us with some wisdoms:

“There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience and that is not learning from experience.”

-Archibald MacLeish

Weekly Proverb

A gentle word opens the strongest lock

– Old English Proverb

Sunday Sayings – Something to Ponder About

Norrheimsund
Motivational, Philosophy

Be Less Judgmental

embroidery craft  bench seat

Do you think Frank needs a job?”

No wonder Lucy doesn’t present well, her clothes are so old-fashioned.”

You should take more care with your car.

How often do we hear judgemental comments about others, analysing what folks should or shouldn’t do? These comments or suggestions are often negative and critical in nature.

Making a judgement about someone else effectively puts up a barrier between them and us. So if we stop, or at least aim to reduce, judging and analyzing commentary towards others, we might find communication improves, and we might begin to feel closer.

If we minimize judging and analyzing, the spin off can also be a greater peace of mind for us.

When we complain about other folks, we are actually sabotaging our own peace of mind. This is because we allow ourselves to be disturbed that things are not as they “should be.

Ron Mueck
Ron Mueck

The Taoists say,

“It is possible to appreciate people for their uniqueness – like you might enjoy a certain song. You don’t have to analyse and pull it apart.”

In being more open, flexible and accepting, you let others be the master of their own lives.

PEACE OF MIND CAN COME MORE FROM A CHANGE OF ATTITUDE, THAN A CHANGE IN CIRCUMSTANCES.

Making Mistakes

We learn so much from our mistakes, don’t we?

Therefore, it is sensible to let others make mistakes and not rob them of that learning experience opportunity that might be so valuable to them.

We are also taught, via our education system, to analyse and have an opinion. But it is perfectly okay to have no opinion at all.

Question: –“Do you think Frank should get a job?”

Answer: – “I think Frank should do what he wants.”

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Judgement Challenge

This week I will set a challenge for myself and for anyone who cares to join in to:

Spend a week not judging anything or anybody.

When I meet someone who talks about others, complains a lot or doesn’t work, under my breath, I will say something along the lines of:

I give you the space to experience life as you choose.

It’s not for me to judge you.”

Let’s see if life is a lot easier that way.

Will you join me in trying this?

It doesn’t mean you have to like everybody.

Being less judgemental means you can maintain your own particular preferences in life, but remain more calm in your attitude.

If you are around a complainer, you might choose not to be in their company, but this is coming from a position where it does not feel right for you, rather than open condemnation of their differences.

If you spend your whole life being irritated by others, it is obvious that there is going to be a lot of people who don’t see things your way.

You can wait for people to start thinking like you or you can grant them the right to live their lives the best way they know how.

YOU GRANT THEM THE RIGHT TO LIVE THEIR LIVES THE BEST WAY THEY KNOW HOW.

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Evaluation

Let’s check back in a week to see how we are doing with this.

StPA

New Zealand Oriental Bay
Community

Survival Tips for Neighbours from Hell

Decades ago, the local neighbourhood was the epicentre of one’s universe. It was a place where kids rode bikes, homemakers chatted over fences and lots of cups of tea were drunk.

Society today is so heavily focused on the individual’s needs and wants, good neighbours do seem hard to find.

What sort of neighbours do you have?

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#1 The Repressed Policeman/Woman –

These neighbours are apt to bang on your door late at night, telling you to turn the music down, especially when your teenagers throw a one-off party, in your usually quiet home. They like everyone to stick to the ‘rules’, at all times and will publicly shame you for any minor wrongdoing. Most neighbours give them a wide berth in the supermarket and walk on eggshells around them.

Survival Tip: Exercise caution.

#2 The Gardening Expert –

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Bordering on extinction, these types are often busybodies, who good-naturedly offer you gardening advice and give out various botanic “cuttings,” suggesting you plant them in particular spots of their choice, in your back garden. They are experts in extracting information about you, but can also be obsessive about how promptly you fix loose fence palings, cut back overhanging tree branches, or how many leaves blow over into their yard.

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Confront #2 types and they might become revengeful, landing you with a complaint letter from local council over perceived dog barking or pet birds squawking, because it has disturbed their daytime nap. They are notorious for mowing their lawns/operating whipper-snippers at annoying hours, mostly when others are sleeping, earning the ire of all other residents in the street.

Survival Tip: Take the good with the bad and compost the undesired plant cuttings.

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#3 The Sports Fan –

This ultra friendly, highly socialized, neighbour invites everyone known to man over to his/her place, generally on football nights, and often parties hard until 4am, at least four nights a week. Woo hoo! Not! Their house guests can easily be tracked by the ‘Hansel and Gretel’ detritus trail of empty beer bottles and fast food containers they leave in their wake.

Survival Tip: Earplugs – buy a decent set. You will need them.

#4 The Forgetful Neighbour –

These folks ‘borrow your garden/electric/tools’ and forget to ever return them. They mean well. This type is bound to cross swords with neighbour #1.

Survival Tip: Lock your shed and throw away the key.

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#5 The Loner –

Often perceived as ‘weird,’ this neighbour never acknowledges or socializes with others in the street. Easily identified by the house with windows and doors shut tight, even on sweltering days, this occupant is largely unknown. This neighbour arouses lots of suspicion from neighbour #2 .

Survival tip: Show some compassion. The Loner might think you are pretty weird too.

If you have a neighbour who is a closed book, respect their privacy, but look for ways to improve communication with them. It might be a small gift left at their doorstep, or as simple as a card, in their letterbox saying hello and wishing them a lovely day.

Kindness costs nothing.


#6 The Neighbour Everyone Wants –

This particular neighbour appears to be extremely rare in modern society, but I ask the question:

Are they hard to find or do we need to be open-minded and communicate better?

Survival Tip: Change your attitude towards #1 – #5.

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Although the previous examples are almost completely tongue -in -cheek and bear no resemblance to any person, living or dead, they do illustrate how blanket judgements and misconceptions can hinder open discourse and foster prejudice, or even hatred. If open communication is lacking or non-existent, divisive opinions will continue to spread.

Ron Mueck
Ron Mueck

In a neighbourhood, we have a challenge, even an obligation that comes with living there. To get along with those from all walks of life, for the ultimate benefit of the entire community. Shall we see it as an opportunity or a pain in the backside?

Queenslander home



Racism is taught in our society, it is not automatic.

It is learned behavior toward persons with dissimilar physical characteristics.

~ Alex Haley

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/alex_haley

In the wake of the Christchurch tragedy, keeping an open mind will foster better communication with our neighbour, no matter who or where they come from. We don’t necessarily have to agree or like their cultures, habits, food, or ways, we only need to understand and know them and acceptance will follow.

Our neighbours are a precious resource in maintaining community and increasing our integrated sense of belonging, and that is our best weapon against terrorist acts and radical thoughts.

If we fail as a neighbourhood group to understand them, we also fail to create any sense of “community,” for ourselves.

Something sobering to Ponder About

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Community

Proverbial Friday – Global Wisdoms

I find there to be profound wisdom in proverbs, sayings and quotes and I marvel at the way they are so succinct in communicating messages to the reader. Mostly anonymous, they come to us from past generations and from across cultures. They speak of the experiences of lives lived and lessons learned. Quotes, like proverbs, make us think more deeply about something.

Each Friday, I post a Proverb or Saying and a Quote that I find thought-provoking.

I hope you will too.

graffitiart (Small)

A guilty conscience is a hidden enemy

– Indian proverb

Eyes

Continuing on with the theme of listening again this week, is Ralph Nichols’ quote:

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.

The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”

– Ralph Nichols

Dr. Ralph Nichols was a major force in our understanding of the complexities of listening behavior and research in the “field of listening.” Do you think you are a good listener?

You will find ten questions here to see whether you are really listening or not.

One of those questions is:

Are you listening to understand, rather than listening to respond?

In a world of increasing conflicts, how often do you, in your own small corner of the world, really listen and value a speaker, their experience, the conversation or the message they are trying to convey?

Join in the discussion by leaving a comment here under.

proverbial-thurs

Now posting on Fridays

Something to Ponder About

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Community

Proverbial Thursday- Global Wisdom

I find there to be profound wisdom in proverbs, sayings and quotes and I marvel at the way they are so succinct in communicating messages to the reader. Mostly anonymous, they come to us from past generations and from across cultures. They speak of the experiences of lives lived and lessons learned. Quotes, like proverbs, make us think more deeply about something.

Each Thursday, I post a Proverb or Saying and a Quote that I find thought-provoking. 

I hope you think so too. 

 

The proverb this week comes from Kenya, but is it just speaking of material possessions?

 

Stolen things bring in misfortune

(Kenyan Proverb)

 

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Quote of the Week: –

I keep returning to Nietzsche, for he has much to say and it is often controversial, provocative, deep and timeless. When I read this quote I pondered about mental health.

Depression and anxiety, for instance, appears to be verging on epidemic proportions, in today’s society. This quote, with particular reference to difficult life circumstances, gives some advice.

But, is it helpful? What do you think?

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To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.

(Friedrich Nietzsche)

 

Does it any relevance to a situation you know ?

Join in the discussion by leaving a comment below.

 

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  Proverbial Thursday –  Something serious to Ponder About

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Community

Proverbial Thursday – Global Pearls of Wisdom

I find there to be profound wisdom in proverbs, sayings and quotes and I marvel at the way they are so succinct in communicating messages to the reader. Mostly anonymous, they come to us from past generations and from across cultures. They speak of the experiences of lives lived and lessons learned. Quotes, like proverbs, make us think more deeply about something.

Each Thursday, I post a Proverb or Saying and a Quote that I find thought-provoking. 

I hope you think so too. 

 

Great ocean Road

 

Do not lengthen the quarrel while there is an opportunity of escaping-

Latin Proverb

I do like this proverb.

It could be helpful in all situations, both personally and diplomatically. Some of us need to have the last word, or feel if we say just one more thing, it will convince the other party of our view, or our righteousness. Why is it so hard for some people to walk away from a quarrel, and other’s not?

Is this the only interpretation of this proverb? Perhaps you can find a deeper layer?

Join in the discussion, by leaving a comment below.

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The quote this week, is something I do fully agree with. Knowledge is empowering.

Even my dog agrees!!

 

 

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world”-

Nelson Mandela

 

Do you agree with Nelson Mandela’s words?

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Proverbial Thursday – Something to Ponder About

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Community

Proverbial Thursday – Pearls of Wisdom

I find there to be profound wisdom in proverbs, sayings and quotes and I marvel at the way they are so succinct in communicating messages to the reader. Mostly anonymous, they come to us from past generations and from across cultures. They speak of the experiences of lives lived and lessons learned. Quotes, like proverbs, make us think more deeply about something.

Each Thursday, I post a Proverb or Saying and a Quote that I find thought-provoking. 

I hope you think so too.

lars stana

Another Norwegian Proverb this week to continue the series:

 

Det man förlorar på gungorna tar man igen på karusellen. – Norwegian proverb

The loss on the swings is won back on the

merry-go-round.

 

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Nietzsche features prominently in my selected quotes for they are always so interesting.

 

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe.

If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself-

Friedrich Nietzsche

 

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Have you struggled to find or escape from being overwhelmed by the tribe? Some of us like to walk our own path, and if that is the only way to achieve our dreams, then we must do it or let our dream slid away.

Do you Agree with Nietzsche? Science tells us that the losses catch up eventually but has that been your experience in your life so far?

A fortune cookie told me just last week:

“What appeared to be a loss will turn out in your favour.” – I am still waiting for the favour!

proverbial-thurs

Proverbial Thursday – Something to Ponder About

sunnfjord
Community

Proverbial Thursday – Pearls of Wisdom

flowersI find there to be profound wisdom in proverbs, sayings and quotes and I marvel at the way they are so succinct, in communicating messages, to the reader. Mostly anonymous, they come to us from past generations and from across cultures. They speak of the experiences of lives lived and lessons learned. Quotes, like proverbs, make us think more deeply about something.

Each Thursday, I post a Proverb or Saying and a Quote that I find thought-provoking. 

I hope you think so too.

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From Norway the proverb this week has some encouraging words for those who feel despondent about not measuring up to a task.

 

Even the best horse may stumble.

[Aldri så god hest at den ikkje kan snuble.]

 

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and a rather cryptic quote from Confucius this week:

 

“The hardest thing of all is to find a black cat in a dark room, especially if there is no cat.”

― Confucius

 

 

What do you suppose it means?

Do you have an opinion?

Post a comment below and join in the discussion.

 

 

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Proverbial Thursday – Always Something to Ponder About

Community

Proverbial Thursday – Pearls of Wisdom

I find there to be profound wisdom in proverbs, sayings and quotes and I marvel at the way they are so succinct, in communicating messages, to the reader. Mostly anonymous, they come to us from past generations and from across cultures. They speak of the experiences of lives lived and lessons learned. Quotes, like proverbs, make us think more deeply about something.

 

Each Thursday, I post a Proverb or Saying and a Quote that I find thought-provoking. 

I hope you think so too.

 

 

Moffat Beach
Tooway Creek, Moffat Beach

 

Do you believe things happen for a reason, or is there merely a continuum of movement and progression (forward or sometimes backwards), in your life? Just as the river flows from its spring to the estuary, we are all on a journey from the lofty beginnings of life to the wide, winding meanderings of a river close to its mouth.

 

This week’s proverb comes from Poland and has many layers.

 

Do not push the river, it will flow by itself.

Polish Proverb

 

 

 

 

The quote this week comes from  Danish physicist Niels Bohr: –

 

 

 

 “Prediction is very difficult, especially if it’s about the future.”

 

 

I sense a touch of irony in his words. What do you make of them?

and…

How much do you push the ‘river’ – or do you always go ‘with the flow?’

Join in the discussion by leaving a comment below.

 

Blog

Community

Proverbial Thursday – Pearls of Wisdom

Blog

I find there to be profound wisdom in proverbs, sayings and quotes and I marvel at the way they are so succinct, in communicating messages, to the reader. Mostly anonymous, they come to us from past generations and from across cultures. They speak of the experiences of lives lived and lessons learned. Quotes, like proverbs, make us think more deeply about something.

Each Thursday, I post a Proverb or Saying and a Quote that I find thought-provoking. 

I hope you think so too.

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The less you expect, the more pleasant life gets

– Anonymous

 

Do expectations set you up for failure? Or give you a challenge to rise to?

Is there one thing that it is impossible not to have expectations about? Perhaps our career?

Perhaps we might feel less burdened without expectations? I know I would feel freer, but I fear that my motivation might also then decrease proportionately. What do you think?

 

I think anyone who has an opinion, and voices it, will offend someone

– Peter Steele

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Like expectations, is it impossible to have a world devoid of offensive opinions? Can we be so politically correct, so careful in our communication, so inert in our opinions that we do not offend?

Join in the discussion by leaving a comment.

Proverbial sml

Proverbial Thursday challenging you to have Something to Ponder About.

Community, Mental Health, Motivational

Negative Social Habits that Impede Communication

Marc and Angel talk about:

Cutting out negative habits. This can  make it simpler to foster good relationships by getting to the heart of productive communication, so why not start today?Singapore

1. Focusing on your inner monologue instead of the dialogue in front of you.

When someone is talking to you, you might be thinking:  “What can I say that will sound smart and clever?  I really hope they think I’m intelligent.  I could make a reference to post-modernism.  Wait – what did they just ask me?”  Stay focused on the other person’s words and points.  People rarely mind when you say, “Hmm. Let me think about that for a second.”  Quite the opposite, since it shows that you’re taking the conversation seriously.  If you compose your answers while someone else is speaking, you’re really only having half a conversation. 

2.  Multi-tasking while you chat.

Even if you are a professional multi-tasker, if you’re talking to someone, talk to them, and that’s it.  Don’t browse online, don’t watch TV, don’t update your to-do list, and please, don’t eat while you’re on the phone.  Whether they say so or not, it really annoys the person you’re talking to.  If you really don’t have the time to talk, be honest and find another time, or cut it short. I know I get irritated if someone checks their phone in middle of my conversation with them. It devalues my conversational worth!

3.  Not paying attention to the people you care about most.

Pretending to listen while your mind wanders to your work day, etc.  Do you really think your loved ones can’t tell?  They can.  And even more importantly, they need you to listen sincerely and thoughtfully.  There is no greater gift of love and no greater expression of caring that you can offer the special people in your life, than your undivided time and attention.  You need to remember that ‘love’ is listening, and everyone wants to be heard.  

4.  fishing for compliments or feeling self-conscious

“Oh, I look terrible today.” – after someone compliments you.  “I just threw it together at the last minute.” – when you obviously dressed up.  “I’m really not good at things like this.” – when the people you’re with know you are.  Please.  Stop.  It is ok to accept a compliment, and you don’t need to put yourself down because you are feeling self-conscious.  Just follow the next step.

5.  De-emphasizing compliments with self-effacing remarks.

It’s okay to say “thank you” when you’re complimented.  By making a self-effacing comment, you nearly force the other person to repeat their compliment, which is not a gracious thing to do.  Acknowledging a compliment isn’t snobby – like you’re admitting that you think you’re just grand – it’s a simple courtesy.  Besides, you earned it.

6.  Cutting people off mid-sentence.

The only time this is okay is when you’re in an intense brainstorming session.  Or you’ve got an urgent situation to attend to.  Or you haven’t seen your best friend in months.  Okay, so this habit is kind of elastic, but you get the gist.  Most of the time, interrupting just means that you’re missing the best parts of the conversation.  Plus, you’re showing your chat partner that you value your own thoughts over theirs.

7.  An unsupportive attitude.

The greatest compliment you can give to someone is to believe in them and let them know you care.  When you see something true, good and beautiful in someone, don’t hesitate to tell them that you appreciate it.

8.  Trying to please everyone.

This one is about keeping your sanity.  No matter how loud their opinions are, others cannot choose who you are.  The question should not be, “Why don’t they like me when I’m being me?” it should be, “Why am I wasting all my time and energy worrying what they think of me?”  If you are not hurting anyone with your actions, keep moving forward with your life.  Be happy.  Be yourself.  If others don’t like it, let them be.  Life isn’t about pleasing everybody. 

This ideas are sometimes hard to remember as we often slip into well-oiled bad habits again, so to keep them fresh in your mind, print them out and have them in your diary, spaced apart in weekly or thrice dailyintervals. This is what helps me.

I will ponder over whether Marc and Angel’s ideas will be helpful for  you.