bridge through a garden in japan
Mental Health, Motivational, Philosophy

Whose Fault is it, Anyway?

“When you blame others,

you give up your power to change.”

Robert Anthony

http://www.awakenthegreatnesswithin.com/

Blame and finding fault teaches us to avoid facing up to some truth about ourselves.

It encourages us to search for what is wrong and who we think was responsible because of an underlying often unconscious belief, we carry, that infers if we are always right, we will be happy. If we could control other people and their actions, then that might be possible.

We all know that controlling others is, pretty much, impossible.

When controlling others fails, as it inevitably does, our innate Plan B might be to use guilt, fear, domination or manipulation; even conditional love and criticism to get what we think we want, or feel that we need.

If there is no value in holding on to guilt, why do we do so? Why is it so hard to let things go?

Forgiveness is the key.

Forgive yourself as well as others, for your own sake.

Tolstoy suggested a bad mood might be the reason we blame others. How often do we hear:

“If only they/it would/didn’t/can ………”

Yet blaming others is not likely to lead to feelings of serenity. Instead it may create more negative feelings and paint your own self as a victim, as the following quote alludes.

“Some people love being victims because they love being able to blame someone else. Accountability is too much for them. They don’t like being responsible for who they have become or where they are in life.” Anonymous

http://www.awakenthegreatnesswithin.com

Therein, blaming may be linked to feelings of remorse, or regret, about where one is in life’s journey.

The only thing we might ever really change is our own attitude.

Motivational

Playing the Devil’s Advocate

Why do we think negatively when we know better?

“If I expect the worst, I am pleasantly surprised when something turns out well.”

Such an approach to life situations, is modus operandi for some members of my family.

I do get why people do get into the habit. I used to do this myself.

Some don’t like to get their hopes up and experience disappointment. They would rather enjoy the pleasant surprise when everything works out well. Sounds plausible and positive, but is it good for our mental health?

Is this a productive way of thinking – in that it supports us in dealing with our daily issues?

If you do this, does it work for you?

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You might even be a “prepper.”

Not the kind that are preparing for the apocalypse, but those folk that prepare for the worst-case scenario, exploring alternatives, or problem-solving the task or situation at hand in order to understand everything that can go wrong, so they can handle it better, when or if, it does go pear-shaped.

In preparing for the worst-case scenario, they feel they begin to process their own grief reaction to crises or adverse circumstances in their life.

Thinking negatively, expecting “the worst,” seeing the downside of positive situations, and even downright expecting failure, all convey a kind of backwards-thinking, emotional insurance policy.

Marc and Angel

When things work out well, people use this mental strategy to feel good about the uncontrollable nature of life.

They are innately rewarded unconsciously for this way of thinking.

This leads them to use this technique to deal with life again and again. Then it becomes entrenched as a habitual response. A habit like this can be extremely hard to shift.

sunset

I used to think more often in the negative, thinking I was preparing for unfavourable outcomes. I would worry about things, trying to process them, and by so doing felt I would be better prepared for the worst of the worst outcomes, if that eventuated. In the meantime, was I setting myself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Sometimes, as foolish as it sounds, we’d rather be right about our negative predictions than have a positive outcome prove us wrong.  And since negative thinking leads to negative actions, or no action at all in many cases, by thinking negatively we create a self-fulfilling prediction for ourselves that confirms that we were right about the circumstance all along.

In other words, we think negatively, predict a negative outcome, act negatively, and then receive a negative outcome that fulfils our prediction. Of course, none of this is what we truly want or need in our lives.

Marc and Angel

It seems that our desire to want to be right, or feel in control of the changeable nature and vagaries of life is one reason why we subconsciously choose this negative strategy, through no fault of our own.

In fact, whatever it is we are seeking will rarely ever come in the form we’re expecting, but that doesn’t make it any less wonderful.

Afterthoughts

Choose to ignore negative thoughts because they do not support you but do not feel guilty if this is not easy or achievable.

Life can be good even if it isn’t perfect.  Too many people miss a silver lining because they’re expecting pure gold. Life can be good even if it isn’t perfect.

Positive thinking isn’t about expecting the best to always happen, but accepting that whatever happens, is the best, for the moment.

Someday, the negative voice inside you will have nothing left to say.

National garden Japan
Norrheimsund
Motivational, Philosophy

Be Less Judgmental

embroidery craft  bench seat

Do you think Frank needs a job?”

No wonder Lucy doesn’t present well, her clothes are so old-fashioned.”

You should take more care with your car.

How often do we hear judgemental comments about others, analysing what folks should or shouldn’t do? These comments or suggestions are often negative and critical in nature.

Making a judgement about someone else effectively puts up a barrier between them and us. So if we stop, or at least aim to reduce, judging and analyzing commentary towards others, we might find communication improves, and we might begin to feel closer.

If we minimize judging and analyzing, the spin off can also be a greater peace of mind for us.

When we complain about other folks, we are actually sabotaging our own peace of mind. This is because we allow ourselves to be disturbed that things are not as they “should be.

Ron Mueck
Ron Mueck

The Taoists say,

“It is possible to appreciate people for their uniqueness – like you might enjoy a certain song. You don’t have to analyse and pull it apart.”

In being more open, flexible and accepting, you let others be the master of their own lives.

PEACE OF MIND CAN COME MORE FROM A CHANGE OF ATTITUDE, THAN A CHANGE IN CIRCUMSTANCES.

Making Mistakes

We learn so much from our mistakes, don’t we?

Therefore, it is sensible to let others make mistakes and not rob them of that learning experience opportunity that might be so valuable to them.

We are also taught, via our education system, to analyse and have an opinion. But it is perfectly okay to have no opinion at all.

Question: –“Do you think Frank should get a job?”

Answer: – “I think Frank should do what he wants.”

technology

Judgement Challenge

This week I will set a challenge for myself and for anyone who cares to join in to:

Spend a week not judging anything or anybody.

When I meet someone who talks about others, complains a lot or doesn’t work, under my breath, I will say something along the lines of:

I give you the space to experience life as you choose.

It’s not for me to judge you.”

Let’s see if life is a lot easier that way.

Will you join me in trying this?

It doesn’t mean you have to like everybody.

Being less judgemental means you can maintain your own particular preferences in life, but remain more calm in your attitude.

If you are around a complainer, you might choose not to be in their company, but this is coming from a position where it does not feel right for you, rather than open condemnation of their differences.

If you spend your whole life being irritated by others, it is obvious that there is going to be a lot of people who don’t see things your way.

You can wait for people to start thinking like you or you can grant them the right to live their lives the best way they know how.

YOU GRANT THEM THE RIGHT TO LIVE THEIR LIVES THE BEST WAY THEY KNOW HOW.

Unknown
alone

Evaluation

Let’s check back in a week to see how we are doing with this.

StPA

reflection
Community

Is Your Blog Your Story?

Whether you are new to blogging or have been writing for some time, blogging is, or can become, a personal branding story, a legacy of self. What does you blog say about you and the personal brand behind the blog? These six questions helped me unpack the purpose behind my blogging journey.

Mt Pilatus
Yay for blogging!

Why write A Blog?

Q: ” The best posts and stories make the audience’s benefit amazingly clear. What is the real benefit of your writing?”

A: I read to learn or gain knowledge, and I write to share information, for education or entertainment. I also write to document things that are important to myself and hopefully others. It makes me happy to write and I feel compelled to put words down on paper or in blog format.

Conveying Relevance

Q: How does your story fit into the world? Is your blog helpful to someone?

A: Is my writing relevant to others? I don’t know but I hope my words are useful or entertaining, in some way. I write with the objective to share knowledge and to further my own self-inquiry. Perhaps writing stems from an inner urge to find meaning with external matters. The spinoff for me, is the surprising development of a nurturing and positive blogging community.

My story – take a seat and join me.

Structured posts

Q: Do your blog posts walk readers through a learning curve of information and share how issues discussed might impact them?

A: That very much depends on the topic of the post. This sort of blog posting is more suited to a tutorial style, and I tend to speak generally about potential impacts in posts. I gain a lot of inspiration for topics from the blog community.

As blogger Marlene from InSearchotItAll posted: “A negative mind will never give you a positive life.” How could a positive life spring from a negative mind? I like to think positivity is infectious.

Positivity is infectious

Emotional connections

Q: Beyond education, the best stories forge a bond between the story-teller and her audience. Whether through vulnerability, candor or shared experience, stories where the audience walks away with heightened emotional intimacy are the stories that win. How do you foster an emotional connection with your readers?

A: I do hope the tone of my posts is personal and conversational but I am no story teller. Writing a blog post is like confiding in a dear friend, but a friend that lives far from my location. By being honest, thoughtful and thinking hard about situations we might all find ourselves in, I’d hope I relate to and connect with those who read and comment on my posts.

Tin Can Bay
I would hope I promote an emotional connection with those who read and comment on my posts.

Past or Future?

Q: Is your blog about the past or where you are headed? Does your writing examine the past whilst reflecting the future, in terms of dreams, hopes and the future?

A: Both. There is so much we can learn from the past it would be stupid to focus solely on the future. In particular, I enjoy discussing traditional proverbs that have sageful advice anyone can use. no matter their stage, or walk, of life.

Differentiate You

Where am I
Where are you headed?

Q: What makes your blog stand out from others?

A: I think that is a question for the readers of my blog. I could not be objective at all in answering this, and thus I’ll politefully decline.


How would you answer these six questions?

You are welcome to re-post with your own answers, but are under no obligation to do so.

Here are just a few blogs, (in no particular order), who’ve been inspirational to me, in my blogging journey. Thank you WordPress community!

Yvette from Priorhouse Blog

Pooja from Stories from Europe

Moon from ACacophonous life

Manja from ManjaMexi

Snow from TheSnowMeltsSomewhere

Donna from Retirement Reflections

Lorelle from A Mindful Traveller

Ineke from Scrapydo2

Sabine from InCahootswithMuddyBoots

Chris from lifeofrileyow

Ally from Thespectacledbean

Mydustyflipflops.com

Ju – Lyn from AllThings Bright and Beautiful

Anne C – from To See the World in A Grain of Sand

Mabel Kwong

Climate Change Australia

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things you worship
Mental Health, Motivational

The Things you Value and Are Important

Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be cathartic. Recently I was given a journal of self-exploration, and it challenged me to circle the things that are most important to me in my life. Things I really value above all else. The trouble is I am prone to over- analysis.

things you worship
What is important to you?

Adding a magnitude of difficulty is that the list was finite. Trouble? I think so.

For example:

  • Do I value Laughter? Well of course, but does that include mocking, self-serving or sarcastic laughter – NO.
  • Travel – In hindsight I should have circled travel – but it isn’t really essential to contented life, is it? It is more of a bonus in life.
  • Earth – I am an environmentalist – I feel a stab of guilt that I neglected to circle this.
  • Sight – ???? I didn’t circle it so what does that indicate?
  • Home – who doesn’t value their home? Even homeless folk value homes. But what is a home without family?
  • Honesty – does that make me a dishonest person. Why didn’t I circle honesty?
  • Shoes – I am not a girl obsessed with shoes. Why is this even an option? Then again, it is pretty hard to go without shoes altogether.

You see – Over-analysis. It is a problem!


journal, self-help
The Journal of Self Introspection or Over-Analysis

I framed the book’s question as matters most essential to me – things that I would not want to be without. But they needed a few more options, I thought.

Things I would add to this list:

  • Respect,
  • Compassion,
  • Nurturing
  • Care,
  • Empathy
  • Hope
  • Blogging!!!

The final task in this exercise in self-exploration was to circle the things that you would rather worship/admire/value.

My list looked like this:


things you worship

Are you noticing a theme here? I circled the same seven things!

If you completed this exercise, what would it be that you circled?

What are the things you worship/value/that are most important to you in your life ?

What then would you circle as things you would rather worship/value?

What else do you think should be included in the darn list?

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Something Important to Ponder About

Community

Five Minute Free Writing – Day 9

31 Days challenge is to write freely for five minutes without editing – on the topics listed on the landing page – one topic each day for 31 days. I have called mine –

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Trust –

Five letters that must be gradually nurtured lest [it] they  be broken.

I read somewhere on social media today that betraying someone’s trust is like crumpling a piece of paper. You may iron out the wrinkles but some of them still remain. I think this is a valid comment, at least in my world. The hurt and resentment that comes with a breach of trust is hard to forget. We can forgive but we can’t always forget.  The wounds run that deep. Particularly when it is someone near and dear to us that is the betrayer! And it hurts! So painful is the feeling of disbelief  and shock that this has happened.

Trust is overlaid with many expectations. Trusting someone and learning when to trust and when not to trust, is entrenched with your own individual values.

“I trusted you,” we often hear when someone lets us down.

I know people with trust issues. They trust no one, which leaves them vulnerable to constantly checking that everyone, including themselves, have acted correctly. Kind of obsessive, you think? How exhausted they would feel, wrung out almost?

Considering all the possibilities and potential for human interaction, in the world, it is surprising that we can trust any other human at all. Why would you trust the skills of a complete stranger to give you a lift/ street directions? Why would you entrust your child to the care of a babysitter?

Because generally we can say that people are inherently good and not malevolent.

Trust me.

Something to Ponder About

More topics in this challenge here