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Proverbial Friday – Jealousy

Forestwood

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Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharp, but Jealousy sees the sharpest, for it is love and hate at the same time.

Arab Proverb
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“Jealousy is rubbing salt into your own wound. “

 Terri Guillemets



 How often does a partner, family member or friend have a behaviour that makes you feel jealous or uncomfortable? Have you ever tried to change it, or them? It seldom works and often times they will hate you for it.  Has that been your experience?

If someone feels they get more attention, than them, they feel less worthy because we think there is a limit to their love!

There is not. 

Let them be right if that’s what they need.

Mark and Angel


Maroochy River Proverbial friday

It is far easier to change yourself.

What has worked for you? Join in the discussion.

Everyone’s opinion is important.  Tell me yours.

Proverbial Friday – always Something to Ponder About

Published by Forestwood

A philosophic Aussie writes here at StPA, one who will readily admit to loving Scandinavia. I'm interested in global politics and what drives us to be who we are. Scratch the surface and you'll find a practical Environmentalist with an egalitarian bent, trying to unleash a little creativity via the written word. Scandinavian culture, literature and traditions are close to my heart, even though I'm Australian. Travel and courteous discussions greatly broaden the mind, so I travel if I can and am always up for a vigorous, respectful discussion. I'm an avid reader, a writer and I enjoy photography and crafts, particularly traditional art forms. I hope you'll find 'Something to Ponder About,' in my WordPress Community.

29 thoughts on “Proverbial Friday – Jealousy”

    1. I feel that particular quote might really penetrates the thinking of those who deny they are jealous, Peggy. It infers that the most damage from jealousy happens to the person who chooses to feel that way. They might them begin to explore the depths of this thought process and causes them needless pain! I feel like the other Marc and Angel’s words assist with this.

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  2. an excellent choice of proverbs!
    to the Arabic proverb: love look through a soft focus and slow motion. Hate, sharp as a knife and in fast motion. And jealousy sees both and makes the heart bleed under the consciousness of how different the looks are.
    And of course Terri Guillemets is right. Because it hurts, the feeling of jealousy, because it shows you that the relationship, friendship to a person is not what you really want.
    No, I’ve rarely had that feeling before, as I’ve never seen a reason for it, and I’m glad of that. Nevertheless, of course, I know that feeling and it is a horrible feeling because it shows me, that I have no faith in this person, do not begrudge someone something or feel less than others.
    “Let them be right if that’s what they need”
    I completely agree. Jealousy has a reason. Maybe the behavior is so provocative, or the experience or self-esteem provide a reason. If I love someone, I will do everything so that this person does not have to have that feeling, even if I can not see a trigger for jealousy in my behavior.
    That’s called love, everything else is power!

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    1. Thank you for adding to the discussion on jealousy, Anie. I think yo have described the speeds at which in layman’s terms, jealousy occurs. Hate is often associated with anger and this ignites quickly after a trigger. Love between adults is the opposing emotion developing slowly over time in most cases. Love can bw of a differing kind, for example parental love differs from romantic or erotic love. Jealousy seems to be associated with feelings of rejection, of missing out, or being overlooked. That adage, “Why not me?” or “What about me?” At the heart a jealous person wants inclusion and attention. Some people have loads of material things but still crave being ther centre of attention or the most or best material objects. It is nice to be ambitious and be surrounded by nice things, but our environment is often dictated by budgetary constraints, the limits of which may engender a feeling of resentment that we can’t afford more. If someone close to us decided too spend more than they should,or earns more, or for whatever reason can afford more, than us, we might feel jealous. Are they jealous feelings from rejection? No, rather, I think they are a reaction to a monetary decision we did not make ourselves. Why should this cause a painful reaction? We have good reasons for what we might see as an unsound financial decision, so why should that bother us? Do we, and by we, I am not meaning me, just the general population; do we feel that it neighbour is less deserving in some way? Could that be the thought process that leads to jealousy?

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      1. Thank you for this rich answer… I am trying to answer! First of all, I loved your statement that love between adults is an opposite emotion that slowly evolves over time. Why slowly? Because there is time to really get to know each other and learn to love and this in turn creates trust. Knowing my partner and trusting him, means there is no basis for jealousy. If I do not really know him, if there are secrets and games are played, jealousy is preprogrammed !!

        Your differentiation of love is interesting. For me, there are only two types of love … charity, of which the strongest form is love for parents and children, and love for a partner who is at the same time erotic and romantic in nature.
        In fact, I also have the feeling that there are many people who actually have everything materially what they need and yet are jealous of others and think they can impress with ownership and be in the center of attention. Money makes sexy, success makes sexy, showing a sexy body and face makes sexy and intelligence makes sexy too????? Poor world!!! Sorry, but for me it’s all bullshit !!!!
        I was once jealous because my best friend got a Barbie hairdressing-doll for Christmas, which I had wished for. My mother did not support this Plastikbullshit…. I was jealous for an hour, then I played with my girlfriend present for more than one year at her home and later I was allowed to cut and dress the hair of my whole family….. no I had never material envy, and for all those who put themselves in the limelight, I feel only pity, because it must be a mess to define yourself with ownership.
        The same applies to people who count on sex sells or who do impress with particularly intellectual highlights and knowlegde.
        Of course we feel the need to be special and to be loved, but not on an open “cattle market” like the internet !!!! Love is discreet, private and intimate…only like this it is worthy … everything else is power and crap!
        But you are right, everyone, including me, loves to be surrounded by beautiful things and I also treat myself to things that other people do not begrudge. But I never look at the neighbors for what they have. I live in a tiny village for over 10 years now and I can not even tell you what kind of car my neighbor is driving! I just do not care! And so I want to continue to handle it! And no, if I see absolutely brainless people throwing money around them, I’m not jalous, it just embarrasses me! Here is in german language also a fundamentally difference… “der Neid” (on possession) … = envy ??? and “die Eifersucht” in terms of love.

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      2. Der neid and die efiersucht. Interesting that the German language differentiates between the two phenomena. Perhaps they are different, because when it comes to jealousy in love, it seems to stem from a feeling that a person may be jealous of the partner’s time for another person or thing, and you want them to focus on yourself. Contrast this with jealousy of another’s material possessions, one might want the material object, only, (not attention from the person), Is that true? Do you think this difference is why they created a separate word?
        I agree about neighbours’ possessions. It is irrelevant to our own lives. There is an adage that says the journey (life), is long, but in the end, it is a race run only with yourself. Death levels everyone in terms of material possessions! Yes indeed it must be a mess to define yourself only in terms of your possessions! We are so much more than that! Think of the cosy, affectionate, fun filled family that is low on money, but big on love. They get more out of life than the dissatisfied high income, shallow, resident of the wealthy suburbs, who might worry endlessly about losing his money and status. Of course, they are people with money and many possessions who are very happy and kind, just like there are nasty people living in poverty stricken circumstances. But the point we are making is that materialism in itself, can create jealousy and unhappiness. I like your Mum’s attitude to Barbies…. it doesn’t seem like it was a big issue for you. My daughter was always more interested in cuddly teddy bears than dolls! Barbies seemed so fake to me as a child too, with their stiff, stick-like legs and exaggerated curves. I disliked them because I was a realist.
        The bottom line may be that the person feeling jealous, has not learnt the lesson, that the possession of others’ is irrelevant to their live. It does not reflect on their live at all. If they judge them not to be deserving of what the other has, they are needlessly punishing themselves. Why judge others? – is perhaps the question they should ask themselves. Who are they to judge? Acceptance and lack of judgemental thoughts negates jealousy of any kind.

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      3. Yes you are right! “Neid” is more related to material things or the performance of another person. ” Eifersucht” is linked to love and therefore purely emotional!
        Oh, the saying that life in the end is just a run with yourself is very appropriate, because only our own judgment and feeling is crucial, whether we were happy in life or not … and you can not take money with you, when you leave … we say, “the last shirt has no pockets”.
        I have already seen many people who had nothing and had to live in dire circumstances, and yet always were happy and had an enviable positive charisma. Incidentally, the same people are also among rich people. Just as you find the eternal complainers between rich and poor people. Happiness has nothing to do with possessions.
        Of course Barbie is a great fake and horrible thing, but I loved it anyway!!! 🙂 But I never idetified with it …. this is an important thing. I liked dressing this princess and make her hair dressed up, but never thought about that I want to look like this doll. But I had an old ugly cuddlybunny aswell, played with matchboxcars, played with boys outside ….. we were very lucky to live in nature with lots of kids around … and in that time, parents were also too busy to look after the kids and play with them … but there was no need, because kids could handle playing, fighting and caring themthelves.
        Playing and adventure were important, clothes (brands) and possession were not important at all!

        I find the envy of possession very difficult to understand. I can imagine that a lack of happy moments in everyday life, drives people into an addiction. Getting joy through artificial pleasure. So through drugs such as alcohol, pills, or making parties all the time…but also through daily purchases of nonsensical cheap articles … I know many people who constantly look what they can buy next …it makes perhaps small short moments of happiness and manages to be the focus of other people for a short time.
        And the Internet optimally serves this possibility, because you have the opportunity to show much more what you have and what you are. The problem is, that moment of joy does not last long, so they have to constantly refresh it!

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      4. That is a great saying, “the last shirt has no pockets”. Indeed I think it is something many people have to learn, that is: Happiness has nothing to do with possessions. We must seek happiness in isolated moments of joy, not necessarily in everyday life! If we expect happiness to be chronic ( in a good sense), then it will be like chasing one’s tail. ( a waste of time). For most people , I do not think they will find happiness searching for a constant emotion of delight they wish to feel.Yet those isolated moments are for us to cherish and for us to remember in the darker more difficult/serious times. If those isolated moments are too few and far in between, one can understand a recklessness and apathy, and risk taking, which might lead to addictive behaviours or substance abuse. And others do find it in purchase of material objects, albeit for short moments (retail therapy it is called). But this is not sustainable as it is based on material objects. Sounding like a Buddhist, I could say it is one of the causes of unhappiness. Better to seek a feeling of serenity and contentment and work or strive towards finding ways to achieve this, than momentary happiness based on objects. I did not see the point in Barbies, but I did have one, and I found their pointed toes and pointy boobs a bit creepy and unnatural! It was more realistic to play with my brother with his matchbox cars out in the dirt! Making roads in the garden! In this matter, we do agree! Love the pun about refreshing! Hehe! ( the internet). The internet adds another layer of complexity to happiness, addiction and envy! A great discussion, once again. Thanks so much, Anie!

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      5. Thanks for the inspiring answer and the really great discussion.
        We agree that luck and possessions have no connection …:)
        It is interesting that you think that happiness is to be found in small moments and not in everyday life …. that is very interesting and I have to let that work in my head for longer time.
        I had always equated happiness and satisfaction and saw my satisfaction really in everyday life … My life was the last 18 years very committed to a strict everyday life, with two children and the circumstances left not much space for my own thoughts and considerations. To have a job and a position inbetween a family and to realize that you can make people around happy was always enough reason for me to be happy aswell! So I think that I try to define the term happiness for special moments that create an extraordinary emotion in me, because f.e. I did something special…in fact because I received or gave something special. And I totally agree with you that this triggering receiving or giving can not be material nature if it shall work in the long term. And of course the same goes for artificially triggered moments of happiness through drugs, which effects in the long run, the opposite effect of luck.
        Hahaha, I wish my English would be so good that I could juggle with puns … so far I try to understand puns in other languages ​​first, before I myself can use them … maybe you explain me the ambiguity that you liked and that was (unfortunately) accidental ….; ) I wish you a good start into the new week, Anie

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      6. Yes, Anie, it is a fine line between contentment and happiness. Even serenity and happiness. I think there is quite a bit of overlap. Yet there is also a difference. Do I feel happy when I am cleaning the floors or doing housework? No. I am content and possibly I am feeling at peace, but I don’t neccesarily equate this with happiness. I suppose happiness for me is associated with pleasure. That moment of physical delight, that joyous moment when we receive good news, that occurs in isolated moments, yet we wish/expect and want that feeling to last continuously. And if it did, we would be eternally happy with the consequence of having no challenge or drive left to change anything at all? = apathy.

        I did wonder whether the pun was intentional or not. When you mention the internet, you also talked about refreshing feelings!. But we describe the computer as refreshing its display readout too. The word had a double meaning!! Hence the pun!!

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      7. Oh thanks a lot Amanda! I have now understood the pun and I think it is very fitting …:)
        Your comments on happiness, contentment and even serenity are very easy to understand and I think it helped me a lot to understand these differences.
        To strive for happiness therefore has both: good and bad sides. A person who thinks he is happy, because he has found satisfaction, has little inner struggles and certainly has a positive friendly charisma. However, he may never pursue his own goals and may eventually live in a very passive (not necessarily apathetic) way of life.
        The man who seeks will have to fight a lot not only with others but first and foremost with himself, because if he only fights with the other, he will break.

        I tend to say that a middle ground is my favorite. Because satisfaction is very important between the moments of happiness, because as you say the moments of happiness do not last very long….we got far away from jealousy now…; )…thank you for this great conversation!

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      8. Too think we started at jealousy and ended at happiness!!
        Middle grou d or middle path is thr bestI think. And I will always aim for this. Sounding more and more Buddhist!!
        Glad you liked your pun!!!

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  3. I’m not very successful at changing myself, and jealousy is one of my many sins. I’m aware, though. That’s as good a defence as I can muster. 🙂 🙂 Lovely photos, Amanda.

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    1. Thanks, Jo. Awareness is definitely important. No one is perfect, but the quotesdo remind us of the negative impacts of jealousy. Is there always a specific trigger for jealous emotions, for you? (if that is not too personal a question)?

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      1. No, I think I’m just of a jealous disposition. I don’t envy material things in the main, but I do envy people who are more gifted than me and I envy love and affection. I guess I felt deprived as a child.

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      2. I think envying people who are more gifted is perhaps a type of admiration? I am sorry to hear that you felt deprived of affection as a child. I felt similarly to a certain extent, and probably gave my kids extra hugs and kisses as a result. Things were different when we grew up to the environment of raising children now. Children are so very precious and wanted these days, prior to the contraceptive pill, it was quite a bit different and this had a flow on effect to the parent vs. child dynamic.

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  4. Oh so good to bring up jealousy – it really is hurtful to the person who lets envy and jealousy root inside –
    I think that many times lack of appreciation or burnout underpins much jealousy – and the too much outward looking and nkt enough inward growing and grounding –
    For those that keep looking out and about (at what others have and always usually comparing up somthey feel less than) well they need to work at contentment and celebrating self and their unique path.

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    1. Nicely said, Yvette! I like that you have highlighted lack of appreciation as a possible cause. Comparisons always mean one party will pull up short. Why do we compare? To see if we actually have an equal share? And what if we don’t? To see what we missed out on? Why do we invite sadness, rejection or discontentment on our self? Seems a little masochistic, doesn’t it?
      Your suggestion of looking inward, could potentially fill a space in our hearts, where jealous feelings once flourished. As a consequence, do you think we might then experience emotional growth, instead of envious pangs?

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      1. Yes – the growth is there for the taking –
        And side note – we just heard about the scandal with this church leader – his name is bill hybels and when we heard the news (only recently and we are late) well I told my hubs I did not really realIze it but sometimes I was maybe a bit envious of his path – because he was in church work and also was a good business man and I emulated and looked up to him more than was envious – fine line maybe – but to hear he was inappropriate with ladies and not the quality leader I thought – well makes me feel sad for him and his church and those he hurt – and on a personal level I shake my head to think we never know what goes on behind the scenes!
        And why do humans tend to always assume others have it all together and way better?
        It is like when they compare – they sometimes assume the grass is bright green and they miss their own grass health!
        Then there is “relative deprivation” where people are not really deprived but their scale of what they need and want changes and it is relative to their mindset at the time! Hm
        –

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      2. Thanks so much for taking the time for that detailed comment, Yvette. Unfortunately, people who gain prominent position in our society, often appear to develop a response whereby they feel immune to the ethics that the mainstream, or ordinary folk adhere

        There is a saying that ‘power corrupts’ and ironically, it is the common people who give the power to those few folk who become celebritie, in societyby adoring or idolising them. Perhaps the celebrity (of any kind), succumbs to vanity, believing the exaggerated profile the media assigns them via stories, articles, photo opportunites, people fawning over their words and TV appearances. This might develop into an over- inflated ego and the celebrity becomes blind to their own conscience, perhaps? I am not making excuses for them in saying this either, Yvette. As I find it particularly abhorrent when someone of the faith acts in this way. I have little respect for hypocrites. If they preach one thing and do another, it is very hard to understand. Because they are lying, and living a lie, and doing it at the expense of another ‘s suffering. I don’t know this story as we don’t hear it all in Australia but I am thankful it has come to light, so that both victim and offender get help.
        To your point that we all assume the grass is greener, that seems to be a very common phenomena. How many times are we surprised that the person who appears to cope is actually crippled by fears ans insecurities away from the public spotlight?
        That should be reassuring for others. None of us are perfect! We are all just doing the best we can, no matter what the outside appearances show. Eveyone has challenges. Show me someone who doesn’t? This might tie in with relative deprivation. Some problems/ challenges loom bigger for those whose basic needs are easily met, or extremely minor and unimportant if you are someone struggling to find the next meal!!
        Love the expression you used…”grass health!!” We need to water and fertilize it regularly and disregard the lawn in the neighbour ‘s property!!

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      6. Oh and I recently watched a rerun of the old dramcomedy called Monk.
        It was where Mr. Monk met his dad and they were driving in his semi-truck.
        They passed a man and his boys putting a Christmas tree on their car- and the family was smiling and hugged.
        The dad said “they’re not as happy as they look!”
        It is such a good line
        Everyone has trials and things to work thru-
        And so without comparing I am going to be in charge of finding my own joy and appreciation because it is so good for health

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      7. A very wise Dad. And a great analogy to remember that point. I had a similar experience with a neighbor and a family member. Outer appearance often belie the internal choas!!

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